Do not expect too much from any one.
Develop some hobby or spiritual inclination to help in difficult hours.
Good day
Arun

The "rut" that everyone talks about is literal. Expirience makes pathways in the brain that guide us to the same inevitable expirience. Its powerfull when we are young, vonerable, stressed, under hormonal or physical change...
Similarly to the way people downplay weightloss (just don't eat so much, lardy) getting out of pattern of behavior is incredibly difficult-esspecially when that habbit has been formed by an addictive personality.
The real question boils down to:
Do you like that quality in yourself?
Do you think the presence of that addictive/abuse quality in yourself brings it out in other people or attracts you to those individuals?

It is hard when you find a man that is normal in your eyes. But you have to stop and think. When you were a little girl how did you want to be treated. Like a woman or more like a slave? Every woman deserves to be treated as a queen. So you need to find others that have had the same experiences and have gotten out of that type of relationship and it will take time and hard work. But, in the long run you become better and also you become something you might have been looking for. HAPPY.

Rob

It IS wise to take a break and delve into these issues. Find the local ALAA in your area and attend some of the meetings, you'll get support in moving through your "withdrawl" from an addicitve relationship.

Something I try to remember is to ask myself the following question, 'Does this serve me'? Does what I'm doing, or how I'm being, or who I'm with, serve my interests, honor my heart and soul?
Take good care of yourself.

Bruce

Try loving yourself. Exclaim what you want and then exclaim that you deserve it.

Aschleigh,

You wrote:
“I notice that I am attracted to men who have the same addictive quality in them that I have in me.”

Perhaps if you like or love the qualities in your parents, I would suggest you stay the course and be strong while hoping that men would enter into your life with those same qualities that your parents have… but they would not be a “sugar-daddy” type of a man. Secondly, don’t go looking for love. It has to be at the right moment that is right for your life and trust me… it will happen to you (if God allows it). Some don’t believe in God, but since I do… I’ll speak with God speaking through me as I am a Christian (don’t worship in a church though, nor do I bow down to crosses, idols, emblems, etc.). It states in the Bible that “an unmarried man shall search no more”. That also goes for an unmarried woman (shall search no more). Yet, there’s some sort of contradiction there when Christians come out with Christian dating sites. I met my sweetie on “JustSayHi”… and I wasn’t looking (for love). God will provide that for you… and you don’t have to be a Christian to understand that… just know that everything is His will.

You also wrote:
“I am getting out of a very addictive relationship now.”

I’ve had those addictive relationships. I dated a girl from Santa Barbara once (then she lived in Santa Monica) and she was younger, made a LOT more money than I did, she was an atheist, but we also had some of the greatest sex known to man. You know… many of those times where you literally f**k your brains out several times a day and then after about the 4th or 5th day of doing that… both of you are so sore you can hardly walk or you’re getting blisters from the friction the crotches are causing (depending on the position).

What I’ve learned about “addiction”(s)… is… is it a bad word? Is “addiction” so harmful to us? There are many addictions in this life. I’m addicted to coconut cream pie, but haven’t had it in about 5 years. I, myself think that that “addiction” is bad when the “addiction” is running your life and you’re not running the addiction (being in control over the addiction). I have that problem with several things. I have an addictive personality, and I can’t do anything about it. However, some of the things I’m addicted to ARE good for me, and they don’t control my life. It’s a matter of weighing out something that you’re passionate about, and those things that you’re passionate about that are controlling you (“addiction”).

You also wrote:
“I am powerless over my addiction.”

Take it over and tell yourself that you’re not going to live that way. We’re all powerless over our addictions… but, it’s a matter if they run our life or we run our own life. Some things I can preach, but cannot even practice myself… so, I appreciate those that can help me… as it will help me help others.

You also wrote:
“I am afraid I will never be able to be in love with a healthy person.”

I’m REALLY afraid of that too. I’m engaged and I love my sweetie. That’s all I know how to do is love… and loving someone is very easy for me. I may not find everything that I want in my sweetie (as I have dated other women with a smaller physique… but, my woman has small curves and she is beautiful inside and out)… but, the most important thing to me is honesty. Being with someone who is completely honest with you and has nothing to hide, having that person who knows how to also understand, support, love and care, respect, share, give, take, nurture and so many other things… INNER beauty is very important. Having that person in your life that has a “healthy brain” and you know that they won’t be exactly like you (addictive) could actually help you even more.

You also wrote:
“How do I change this?”

Start with you. “Avoid bad company” (as the Bible says).

You also wrote:
“I think I need to be single while I sort these things out but I get so lonely.”

That’s a great idea. What I’ve learned is this: “Go to God for man, and not man for man.” Meaning, if you have a problem, it’s not always best to consult a friend, or a therapist, etc. first. Take it God first… meaning… PRAY about it and your life, pray for others of course, and what you think you need or want and it’ll be up to God to fulfill that if He knows you’re ready for it. We ALL get lonely (or, should I say- most of us). I get lonely too. I’m up here, and my fiancé is down in Brazil. I also am human and I’m not perfect. I get horny just as much as the next guy or girl… and I do my best not to “lust”… and everywhere you go in this life… SEX is right there out there – thrown in our faces (magazines, billboards, radio, t.v., internet, etc.). I think it was a friend who did this… but, just a couple of nights ago- I had a magazine (CLUB) put under my door. As I shouldn’t have looked at it, I did. I hated myself afterwards and then looked at it again. Then, I threw it away… got it out of the garbage (plastic bag), and looked at it 2 different times doing that (after I stuck it back in there). I know I won’t be comfortable until I take that garbage out of my space and get rid of it for good. So, I know about being lonely (as I have been my whole life… even though some of my “numbers” are great in certain areas… and even though I have limited “friends”… compared to many people I know).

You also wrote:
“It is awful when I see the ex, but it satisfies something within me too. But I feel worse afterward. It is an addiction. I need help.”

It’s a temporary solution to an ongoing problem. I see that in my depression. I’ve had 3 friends commit suicide and to me… perhaps 2 of the 3 may not have had the same severe issues that I’ve had, yet… I’m stuck in a hard place and a rock, because I can honestly say that their issues may not (or may) have been as severe as the living CRAP I’ve been through for over 32 years… yet, after trying to commit suicide 3 times in my life… I can’t do that… even though every day is a challenge. Some days I feel like I’m going to do something “permanent” (either accidental or purposely) and it would be to a temporary problem (this 85% depression and 15% bipolar that I have… plus, my high-sexual self that sometimes conflicts in conversations that others might get offended. I need help too. If we all work together on this… many of us will get better and I do believe in a “brighter future” in some cases.

It was asked above:
“Do you like that quality in yourself?”

That’s important. That’s something that we all need to examine daily.

It was also asked above:
“Do you think the presence of that addictive/abuse quality in yourself brings it out in other people or attracts you to those individuals?”

This isn’t about me… but, I’m trying to relate to what you might be going through. I know that I’ve been around highly sexual people… and as much fun as they are and as honest as I am with them and everyone… I feel that it could be bad for me to be in their presence because of my own fear of what I might do with them (or that we’ll do together)… even though there are certain times that I could be in their presence and other times where I’m not. I don’t want to attract the wrong people… but, other times I know that if I’m feeling all sexual and if I was single… I would probably throw a big, safe, non-partner-switching orgy where LOVE is what we’re all doing (like the “Fornication Station” at Burning Man). So, be careful with certain people around you… because some could bring out your addiction more than others. It happens to me still, but these days I see it ahead of time.

It was also written:
“Something I try to remember is to ask myself the following question, 'Does this serve me'? Does what I'm doing, or how I'm being, or who I'm with, serve my interests, honor my heart and soul?
Take good care of yourself.”

My advice to you Aschleigh would be NOT to ask yourself that. What many people do in life is think about themselves… “me, me, me” approach. True… I’m still learning to be good to myself and take good care of myself. It’s like I can take care of others better than myself because I’ve been a giver my whole life. The “does this serve me” or “does this serve my interest, etc.” approach is the wrong way to go. A friend of mine (Heather Rouge) taught me over a year ago to try and learn to “share”. Now, I’ve always shared and known what the word was about… but, true… one has to take care of themselves and be good to themselves without being selfish. One time- after many years of being a giver, I was told to take care of myself and love myself (I do without conceit), and I started to be good to myself (buying myself something). A person then thought I was selfish (the way I came across it)… and I just about died from laughing because people sometimes don’t understand one’s path and what got them there in the first place. So, “seek to understand first” (what the Bible says) is a very good method to follow. Be good to yourself… but, don’t ask yourself… “does this serve me or is in my best interest”. It has to be in your best interest in some degree (that’s a given), but ask yourself… “Would God approve of what I’m doing or my actions?” Another friend just told me… “At the end of the day, if you can honestly say that you feel good about what you’ve done, then you shouldn’t worry. If you cannot feel good about what you’ve done, then you’ve probably done something wrong.”

It was also written:
“recovery will heal your heart”

Nothing heals the heart as God will heal all of us… our entire body and soul. The body is worthless and the soul is the most important. The Bible says “the heart is wicked” and that means… ALL hearts are wicked. Some say that people have a “good heart” or that they “love from the bottom of their heart”. You can’t do that and shouldn’t do that. One must love with a greater love from a power that is not even in their realm… from above and below them and around them. So, when people first realize that “all hearts are wicked”… the trick to get around that and keep it the truth while one is thinking that they (or someone else) has a good heart would be to say: “All hearts are wicked, but there are some of us that have less wicked hearts than others.” That keeps the statement true, and yet makes others know that you’re not as bad as some and that you mean well.

On the lighter side of things..........................

One of my DJ friends told me about some of the parties he threw. Once he threw a party called "Emotion" where everyone would have to wear something that expresses their emotion. He told me that one girl showed up and she was in all blue. She was "depression" (or "sadness"). One guy showed up and he was all in red. He was "anger" (or "mad"). One girl showed up and she was all in green. She was "envy". Another girl showed up and she was all in yellow. She was "friendly". Well, he decided to go to the party and he told me that he wore a HUGE pear on his crotch. What was he?

He was "F-cking Despair".

:D

Just trying to add some humor to your life!

We are all alone, but this makes me feel a little less so knowing that there are more of us out there. Ok so lets just say we have alot in common, After dating a long list of either drug addicts or emotionally unavailable people I had to step back and ask myself what the hell am I doing? Some of the smartest advice is from Mr Ghandi: "Be the change you wish to see in the World." First identify what you want, and then practice being just that. I would definitly recommend being single to untie some of the knots that you are binding yourself with. How can you give love to another if you can't give it to yourself? I am kinda addicted to a person and had to actually go to the other side of the world just to put that physical space between us. Better to be a wee bit lonely than on the brink of madness and making yourself a victim to energy vampires. But like with the cream pies, they still taste good after you quit, and you fantasize, remember...Be compassionate with yourself, its not a quick fix sort of thing, and don't beat yourself up if you go back to this dude-trust your instincts but also examine them. Protect your temple and your sacred heart. I think a good dose of meditation would do you good. Being alone can be scary at first, but empowering when you look into your pain all fear aside and face it. And speaking of power, you are coming out and admitting to your addiction, you are recognizing something wrong and this is the first step to freedom! Take Care.

think i met a healthy person once, but its hard to tell because I didn't get to know him.

Addiction is a habitual response to a genuine need. Learn to become more sensative to what you really want. My guess is that you use relationships to avoid anxiety. Learn to breath and be more present with yourself.

Move to a place far enoungh away that you can't get back,,,,,,,,,,,,easily,,,, and stay away. When no one knows you you can change anything about yourself even become someone new.

sadly the only woman i ever truely loved had the same problem. healthy relationships scared the shit out of her. she loved me but just couldn't keep herself from running away to some abusive situation because it was familiar and thus "safe" but this cycle can only be broken by you. you have to feel deserving of being loved in a positive way.